Defensiveness is one of Gottman's Four Horsemen of relationship rupture. But it's also a protective mechanism. The question isn't whether you're being defensive. The question is what it's protecting. The answer is usually this: discomfort. Avoidance and projection are two of the most common coping mechanisms in the world. And the reason they're so common is because they work — they take away discomfort in the moment. But they don't heal anything. And they don't connect you. Get curious about whe